Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve verified my own account.

It’s utter crap ✔

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

welcome back

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

peep davidson

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.