When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
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*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
This cat wants you to take your pills
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty