When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
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[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants