Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

The first one, obviously

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos