When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
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Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.