When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
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When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I’m already scared
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I’m sorry…what?
