Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.