Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

If a ham is allowed to spiral then so am I

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what