When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
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A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”