when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
