when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Great Canadian literature.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
