I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
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Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore