When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
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*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
We found love in a hopeless place.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.