When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
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Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Does this dress make me look cat?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this