when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
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The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Netflix and scream at our children?!
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Merry Christmas
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.