The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
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Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Facebook memories be like
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.