Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

You are what you delete.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

sounds kinky. i’m in.

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”