Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

the saddest jazz hands ever

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*