When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.