When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I’m confused about plants
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.