Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

War & Peace

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…