Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

plant them where lol

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What