Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her