Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess