When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
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wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
They also CAN sing✌️
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I like long walks away from everyone
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.