Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please vote for people who are attractive

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

My safe word is Worcestershire

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.