Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces