When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
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mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Gods work.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business