When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
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Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
R.I.P.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.