Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment