Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

I love it all

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.