when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
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Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
A new level of troll.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”