when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
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I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Oh my god
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.