When I pack too much for a short trip.
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I hate when that happens.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards