Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has the worst taste in men.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.