When I pack too much for a short trip.
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flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
when dads have a rap battle
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
How do you like your Corgi?
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
