When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
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Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?