Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

Human are so complicated

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.