Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool