When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
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Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.