When I play the kazoo, I play to win
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[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend