When I play the kazoo, I play to win
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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
finally
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti