When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
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In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
? 💀
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am