Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.

Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic