When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
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Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
meanwhile over on facebook
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.