Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.