When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
You Might Also Like
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
So sorry
don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!