When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
![]()
You Might Also Like
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
![]()
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
![]()
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
![]()
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi