Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

◾️

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.