When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
You Might Also Like
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.