Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

Krampus.

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

i choose….tongue

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

There is no “ea” in Tim.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.