When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
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Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Great game to play with friends
Welcome to the stomach
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
taking June’s advice to heart
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!