Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

I’m not average. I’m mean.

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*