when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
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Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I hate my earbuds.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind