When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
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Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless