Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

A dad and his duck

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!