Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

lol

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

damn he’s good

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.