when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
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Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist