Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Note to self: always read the final line

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

*gets down on one knee*

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone