when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
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I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable