Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My work here is done

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

I like donuts.

Twitter:

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

You know I’m something of a chef myself

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks