when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
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what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.