when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
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CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Quadruple digit IQ
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”