Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

Yup.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?