When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
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[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I love it all
Breaking news:
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.