Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

I would like even faster food.

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns