When I retire I’m going to run from office.
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HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Not today
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Better luck next time champ
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.