When I retire I’m going to run from office.
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maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s