When I retire I’m going to run from office.
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start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend