When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
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My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs