Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

Oh hi lol

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH