When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
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me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Candles never taste the way they smell
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?