When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

You Might Also Like


Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out


My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.


You better lock your doors tonight, person who taught my parents texting.


Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”


mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂


I wonder which woman said….. “yep I’m gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens.”


Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*


I’m glad the guy who came up with “No means no” didn’t do the whole dictionary


If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.


“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about