Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Jokes on them. I took 10.

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.