When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
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My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
don’t message me unless you have this energy
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?
She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long