When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
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Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Anime is real
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭