When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
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Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
The glory of fall.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I beg your pardon?
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.