When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
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yeah nice try. not falling for that again
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
This cat wants you to take your pills
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.