When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
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Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
the best thing i’ve ever made
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Bed should get ready for ME
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.