When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
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There is no “we” in chocolate.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
This is a genius move
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!